princesses vs. pirates THE FINAL BATTLE!!!

alright, so there's this thing they have at the grand floridian called "princess breakfast and princess dinner." basically, you dress your daughter up as one of her favorite princesses and then go to breakfast/dinner where various characters and princesses hang out and talk to you while you eat. or so i'm told.

now, here's my humble suggestion to the grand floridian's princess meal plan (ignoring the fact that it was princess only, what if they wanted to come dressed as a prince? and what about the boys? can they come as princesses?)

anyway, onto my suggestion:

have a princess dinner and a pirate boat ride.

have the pirates raid the princess dinner.

THEN include some "special" princesses who could clearly handle their own if pirates came to ruin their tea. it would probably go a little something like this:

Pirate: arrg! give me yer tiara or mrs. potts walks the plank! and don't be thinking ya can use the ole "parle" trick either. we saw "pirates of the caribbean" too there me lassies!

(enter jasmine with her tiger, belle with "the art of war", mulan, and princess tiana, sleeping beauty, and cinderella.)

(this is just a thought, but personally, i think tiana should lead the attack because she's clearly the sassiest and has the best mind for business and would, therefore, have the best leadership, multi-tasking, and coordinating skills, not too mention her ability to delegate tasks.)

Tiana: oh i KNOW you did not just come up into my restaurant with all that trash talking business. somebody hold my earrings because i'm about to cut a pirate!

Belle: no hold on guys, i'm reading up on this. i think the best approach is to know your opponent. let me get past this first chapter.

Mulan: Belle get your head out of that book! i was there when "the art of war" was written! honestly. let's just fight them!

Jasmine: um.. ladies, i have a tiger. i'm thinking tiger beats pirate any day of the week,

Tiana: Sleeping Beauty wake up! there are little princesses at risk and all you can do is sleep? get your head in the game and your lazy head off that pillow! where did you even find a pillow in this place?

Mulan: Cinderella, did you just flirt with that pirate? johnny depp was only in the movie! he's not a real pirate!!!

Tiana: oh no you did NOT just give him your shoe. you know what sit your princess fanny down while we handle this. come on ladies, Jasmine, it's time for some parrot stew with a side of pirate gumbo. release that tiger already!

so yeah, in the end... dude, tiger versus parrot/pirates with scurvy and most likely syphilis? sorry monty python, that parrot would not be sleeping... it'd be supper served with a tall glass of pirate shake.

now that's how princess dinners should go.


... oh dear. it seems i have left out two of my favorite "princesses"/ladies of disney: marry poppins and alice

so let's pretend the story continued...

Alice continually chants "curiouser and curiouser" as well as "but we're late... for a VERY important date!"

the rest of the princesses finally get fed up with this nonsense...

Tiana: Alice! darling we GOT it. we're late. have you happened to notice the PIRATES that are all up in MY business and MY restaurant? so either pick a drink that makes you small and pass it along to our pirate friends or eat some cake to make yourself large enough to stomp on this whole bunch of foolishness.

Mary Poppins, meanwhile, starts passing out spoons full of, well, you'll see, while singing to the tune of "a spoon full of sugar":

Mary Poppins: (singing) "a spoonful of arsenic helps the pirates go down... in the most expedient way." (with a charming and only slightly unsettling smile whilst she works.)

NOTE: i left out snow white because she encouraged indentured servitude and was NOT very PC... there are multiple forms of dwarfism which is not to be confused with little people which has become an empowering phrase. and Ariel was left out because honestly, pirates have ships, and fish versus pirate doesn't always end well. and she doesn't have a voice. what kind of message is that sending to our little princesses? that and zeus was far too misogynistic for this little fable. tale? blog. we'll go with blog.