Things of a terrifically disturbing or otherwise perplexing nature...

1. you can order "human centipede" on OnDemand. don't google it. don't check the trailer. just avoid it at all costs if you ever want to sleep soundly ever again.

no, but seriously. just don't. i know this makes you want to, because a faceless voice over the internet is telling you not to, but this isn't one of those times where "don't" means "you totally should!" this is a case where "don't" means "no really, don't do it. seriously."

again, don't. really. your future self on an alternate dimensional timeline thanks you. because they didn't listen and watched it and now they will never sleep ever again. but it's ok because they are comforted by the fact that the you in this reality listened.



...
that's it. it's number one out of one for a reason.

wild turkeys run amuck!

ok, so my least favorite question these past few months has been "so what job made you move to boston?" because the answer is "i have not yet found employment, and the reason for moving to boston is a long and personal story.

so

i've figured out a way of getting around this question that i loathe: i will now simply reply "because of the wild turkeys." and leave it at that.

factually, it is true: there are wild turkeys in brookline. and i think it will leave the questioner befuddled enough for me to have to answer anymore employment related questions.

done and done.

wild turkeys. fantastic.

exotic scented tampons are disorienting

no. that's it. no clever blog. just thought i'd say it because i do NOT like feeling geographically confused while i am in the midst of a flood, of sorts. they really should label those things more clearly. honestly. i can't tell if i'm in the tropics (why that would be comforting on any level is beyond me), or if i picked up the wrong box again. i'm looking at you tampax!

why does my TV have a DUI?

i think it's all too obvious at this point that i am not a huge fan of technology... unless it suits my needs.

well my mother is. a techno lover that is. she is not the unpredictable techno fan that i have become (yes, sometimes to recover from technology i have to sit in a corner and rock myself back and forth while clutching my typewriter.) i like my books to kill trees (although i do have a nook, largely to stay in touch with my mother since we're not in the same city), i like my phones to send and receive calls and texts, and my day planner is made of paper or sometimes my hand... no, not like sarah palin style, she stole the idea from me. let's get this straight now. i was spacey WAY before her.

anyway, my mom, being the technology lover that she is, wanted to get a super awesome new TV for the apartment. now, i like TV. i'm moderately addicted to it and would love to write for a show some day... but only if they bring back Murder She Wrote or anything joss whedon writes (yes i know he wasn't responsible for that one.) anyway, knowing that i love to escape into the world of TV shows (not reality) quite often when i'm sick or bored or really any excuse at all, she picked out a particularly shiny new TV... it's a sony, and you only need two remotes for it... which is pretty impressive in itself. however, in addition to having HD and lots of bells and whistles... it has wireless capabilities. yes, that means if you have a Netflix account, you can watch anything in your instant queue... well, instantly, on the small screen (which is still larger than my laptop.)

ok. so yes very cool. it also has a lot of other things/websites you can use with the exception of HULU, which is annoying. obviously someone decided that anyone who owns a TV would not want HULU so they made a deal with Netflix instead. that's far too confusing for this blogger.

point being: every time i turn my magical sony TV on, the box that usually blinks "12:00", now blinks "DUI" until it then changes to whatever channel you happen to be on.

now, i consider myself to be a fairly intelligent individual. i do, however, from time to time find myself having blonde moments. all i could think was "how on earth is my TV drunk and why/how is/was it driving?" ... did i mention i'm blonde? good. ok, so while "DUI" sometimes means "driving under the influence" it can also mean "downloading uploaded information." good to know. because i was all... wow, my sony has a serious problem. how does one have an intervention with one's television? i mean, it's clearly a cry for help when it's blinking DUI over and over again. if that isn't a 'HELP ME FORTHELOVEOFGOD" i don't know what is.

so yeah. my tv's sober. i think. but really sony, this particular choice in names ranks right on up there with the iPad. someone has been dropping the ball. i'm just saying.

i'm a beamer... no, not like the car

so apparently i "beam." while waiting for a meetup that i managed to have a blonde moment and mess up the time/day/week a number of things happened with one commonality: everyone said "sorry, you just beam!"

thing of the first: a girl with a large amount of free health-conscious dog treats lost control of her cart and dumped two very large boxes worth of said dog-treat onto the bustling area near the T entrances between park and tremont. i saw impending doom since it was quite hot and very sunny and sadly, her outfit for the day was black (as per their logo) and realized she had about a couple hundred small packages to put back into the two boxes amidst tourists and business people running about. so i went over to help her. after a lot of thanking and apologizing for no reason since the cobbled roads are "wicked hard" to navigate with a cart, she looked up and said "wow. sorry, you just sort of beam." i wasn't really sure how to respond to this so i said "thanks?" and she then she went about her day passing out scientifically proven health conscious dog-treats. sadly, duke is not in boston and likes crackers, not health-conscious treats.

thing of the second: a man in yellow aka a buddhist monk (i'm guessing converted since he was quite germanic in appearance) was handing out buddhist papers and, obviously, sought me out. i said i was already well acquainted with buddhism and the Bagadavita, but thanked him anyway and said "namaste". he was a little taken aback that i knew the term namaste, not quite sure why. then he replied "i'm sorry, you just have this wonderful smile. it's sort of like you're beaming." i thanked him and decided i needed some caffeine.

thing of the third: i walk into a Dunkin Donuts across the street to get some iced caffeine and sit in the wonderful air-conditioning (it was getting a bit hot in the sun.) i look for a seat and realize that there's not a lot of seating with the exception of a table with 4 seats currently occupied by one man. i asked him if he minded if i sat down. his response? "as long as you promise not to bother me." this was said with a smile. anyway, we sat and drank our respective caffeinated drinks together in silence, he was nearly done by the time i sat down so he stands up, walks over to me and says "you could have bothered me and i wouldn't have minded" with a wink and then leaves. huh. weird. less than a minute later another man comes along, dressed in a suit and with a very strong Nigerian accent says "can i sit here?" and i replied "sure, i just asked another guy the same thing. it's a big enough table." he then leans over and says "can i ask you two more questions?" i'm looking at his zippered folder, sizing him up for crazy or not, decided not crazy, and replied "sure." he says "you are very beautiful." i said "that is not a question, but thank you." he laughs and then asks "do you know that you beam? i mean, really, you are lighting up this room. how are you doing that? or why?" i was a little taken aback and said "i'm not sure i understand the question... just so i'm clear, you're asking me how and why i 'beam'?" and he says "yes." and i said "i don't know. i get that a lot. i'm a beamer i guess."

so there you have it. beaming 101. i have no idea what people are talking about, but apparently this pale sweaty blonde girl beams. i'm thinking it's sweat. or my smile. not quite sure how my smile beams. but there you have it. i'm a beamer.

A Life of Carefully Contained Chaos: CA : cleaners anonymous

A Life of Carefully Contained Chaos: CA : cleaners anonymous: "ok i have a problem. and i'm willing to admit it: i'm addicted to cleaning. there. i said it. ok, that's not really true. i like things to..."

CA : cleaners anonymous

ok
i have a problem.
and i'm willing to admit it: i'm addicted to cleaning.
there. i said it.

ok, that's not really true.

i like things to BE clean. i don't actually like cleaning them. BUT if the room is not clean or things are not put in their carefully organized place... my eye twitches and my brain starts to collapse and i'm pretty sure i develop some form of "sailor mouth syndrome".

i'm also a vegetarian who hates the smell of meat. my roommates love them some meat. enter problem here.

SO, i've decided i need to get into an engineering program and create a cleaning robot. but not an AI one because i don't want it to have feelings. i do however want it to get rid of crumbs, clean the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, hallway and living room. oh yeah, and i want it to automatically deodorize the smell of meat.

it should also probably have ninja skills. you know. so it could be durable. not because i think anyone eating meat needs a ninja to bust a move on them... because violence is wrong. against animals of the non-human variety. humans? fair game.

that was out loud wasn't it?

ok, i also want my cleaning ninja robot to create a verbal filter for me.

and GO!

well i guess i need to work on my time and space device because i am most definitely not an engineer and i do not have a cleaning, verbal filtering ninja robot.

blast. foiled again.